I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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