just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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