I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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