Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
