Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
