Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
