Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
