Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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