my mouth tastes like poor choices
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
