I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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