mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
