i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
