I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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