I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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