My liver just broke up with me...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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