I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
