and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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