i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
