My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
