I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
