well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
false alarm, still single
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
