I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
