no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
