i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
