How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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