Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
