I cockslap morals
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
