if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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