Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
