My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
