I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
