my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
