and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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