At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
