I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Girls should come with a carfax report
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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