xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
