We're facebook friends in real life
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
