i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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