i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
