So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
