I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
