Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
