I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
