Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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