When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
