Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
