oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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