I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
