Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
