I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
