Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
