its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
